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And I wish I could take that last post BACK

December 22, 2010

You all are quite a lovely tolerant bunch, you know that? The last post is the apotheosis of what I never wanted this website to be, nor to become–a forum for pointless, self-indulgent whining and a place to tattle on my ex. I’m ashamed of myself, and I’m delighted to be anonymous–I deserve to have a howling mob of angry villagers outside, bearing torches and demanding my ungrateful head on a pike.

My self-pity is really just a wee bit of moping coupled with stupidity and narcissism. I’m sad I’m not going to be with my kids on Christmas, and I’m taking it out on everyone, but for god’s sake, it’s not a big deal. And it’s not as if I’ll be weeping in the basement. I’ll be with consoling-windows friend and her huge, delightfully loony family. I’ll be FINE. And the kids will be thrilled with the ping-pong table, and my ex-husband deserves points for thinking of it, for getting it, for paying for it, for all of it.

Anyway, I’d take the post down out of shame, but I think I’ll leave it UP out of shame. I do apologize. Whatever it is about human beings that makes us unable to see the good in our own lives (and there’s plenty in mine) must’ve bitten me hard in the night; now, today, this evening, I’m struck by how ridiculous it is to complain. People sent presents that I have to WRAP–life’s too cruel! Geeze. I’m a jerk.

The kids are with my ex-husband, his mother, and her husband (her third, by the way–she, like my own mother, knows her way around a divorce or two) tonight. All’s well, and I’m going to bed with a book. All is better than well. We’re in the home stretch now, Christmaswise, aren’t we? Whatever hasn’t been accomplished can wait another year….

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. December 22, 2010 10:13 pm

    It was a very human post. During my husband’s deployments I struggled a lot with being angry as well as frightened and frustrated. It helped to write about that and get it off my chest. Some people who couldn’t understand predictably thought I was being whiny and not appropriately humbled by the fact that my husband was at war and I was lucky to be at home with the kids, but enough people could relate or wanted to understand that it was worthwhile to put those thoughts out there. I’m impressed you work to rise above petty feelings but don’t be too hard on yourself. (And there is no reason you can’t still get a ping pong table. Your Babble post talked about duplicating things in each home–this could be one of those things.)

  2. Celeste permalink
    December 22, 2010 10:53 pm

    Take ’em both down. Since when is Christmas about shame?

  3. December 23, 2010 12:04 am

    all i can say is – atta girl! 🙂 you are indeed a wonderful person, and don’t forget that!!!

  4. December 23, 2010 11:18 am

    If you can’t vent on your own blog, where, then? It’s just a day, Christmas, but it’s so loaded with meaning, it’s so much more than a day.

    You’ll have fun with Consoling Windows and make up the time with the boys after. It really WILL be fine, I mystically promise you.

  5. December 23, 2010 1:54 pm

    I’m not mad at you!

    I have plenty of “non-politically correct thoughts” (e.g., “stupid blonde driver…”), and thoughts where people might think I’m not grateful for this miracle called life that we get to live every day, and blah-de-dee…..While I think the latter IS important, I’m not mad at you at all.

    It’s ok to have a moment of “argh now I have MORE PRESENTS to wrap and I thought I was done ahhh!!,” while AT THE SAME TIME knowing deep inside that yes, I’m very grateful to have presents and loved ones.

    In this post – http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2010/10/everythings.html – Julie from A Little Pregnant talks about raising who children who were conceived via (I believe?) IVF……how though extremely grateful to have them, you don’t *necessarily* live in wonder and awe every single moment of every freaking day, you still obviously have times where you’re exasperated at them, ETC. Doesn’t mean you’re not grateful!!

    I’m also reminded of an episode of Seinfeld where George, having had some huge experience (I don’t quite remember what), is now making vows to “live every day to the fullest!!” and etc.
    Elaine goes: “So, is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can’t you have coffee with people??”

    That is, it’s ok to have mundane/annoyed moments, you’re “allowed to just have coffee” once in a while. If that makes sense.

    So I hope that helps – and thanks for being honest, out here on the internetz, I think a lot of us can relate to you.

  6. December 23, 2010 9:07 pm

    just out of curiosity when do your boys come back to your house? what kind of christmas celebration have you planned for that? i get my kids back on the 28th … i forget how they came up with 28th when we were deciding things through mediation … and before they left for their dad’s we talked about having a couple of friends over for dinner for “our” celebration.
    i hope you have a great christmas weekend with your friend and her family. sounds like you’ll be well taken care of … so happy about that.
    cheers!

  7. Lee permalink
    December 24, 2010 12:57 pm

    Maybe instead of “au-pair” or *ex-husband”, you can begin to use “their dad” or “his father”. The dude is not the exact parent that you are or that you would like him to be but language is important (you know that, excellent writer that you are). Honor his role with your words, and some of the time, your thoughts will follow.

    I read your blog because I am twice divorced, tho no kids were involved either time. I know the pain and complex feelings that come with a demolished marriage and am still trying to sort some of it out. My third husband came with a 6 yr old and we have a son together. My step-daughter’s mother most likely thought of my husband as an “au-pair”, and acted accordingly. If I had had an anonymous blog, all sorts of ranting would have been posted. What I learned to do, in addition to allowing myself an internal rave now and then, was to admit my difficulties to my partner and my best friend and compose a mantra that went something like – She loves The Daughter. She only wants what is best for her. She is doing the best she can. Sometimes it helped, and sometimes, I hate her, I hate her kept coming through.

    The 6 yr old is now 21 and sees her father as the excellent parent that he has always been. Her mother is a different kind of parent but kids don’t see a lot of the detail that we fume about.

    Also, the mother of my brother’s kids died when she was 41. She never expected that the man she tried to extract from the lives of their children would be their only parent for the last 10 years. He’s not perfect, but he is a great dad.

    It is a wild ride sometimes. Take care.

  8. December 24, 2010 1:31 pm

    I don’t know… Something about the whole situation is making my red flags wave. First the cottage, now the ping pong table. Quinky dink? It doesn’t really feel like it to me. Having been the victim of a couple of men who knew me so well, to whom I revealed my deepest fears, insecurities, hopes, and dreams, only to watch them turn on me and use that knowledge against me in the most vile and evil ways makes me more aware of that happening to other people. (sorry, dont have enough energy to try and fix that mess of a sentence.) While I preach the pull yourself up by the bootstraps method of living, I still believe that a full blown pity party on ocassion is not only allowed but necessary for the perservation of your sanity. Just saying…

    • December 24, 2010 3:12 pm

      Love your post, Yvette. I’ve only had one man in my life .. my soon-to-be ex husband of 25 years .. and what has hurt the most is that he did exactly what you described above. He was the one person in the entire world who knew me best and he used everything he knew about me in a mean and hurtful way. I too see it happening to other women and I hurt for them.

  9. December 24, 2010 3:13 pm

    I love your last post. See my comments over there.

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