A sad comment on the other blog
January 13, 2011
inspired me to write this. It’s not the most eloquent response in the world, but something about the comment (#25 after my first post for Babble, here) brought back the exact feelings I had, at the beginning of the end.
And yes, I know the picture is of WWI, and thus has nothing to do with Churchill. And maybe Churchill didn’t even say that thing about hell and walking, I was too distraught to look it up. I’ll show you my poetic license if you want, okay? I just renewed it, everything’s in order.
Please comment if you have any feelings about what I said, about what the commenter said. What to do when you are miserable in your marriage? There are as many answers as there are marriages, I imagine.
9 Comments
leave one →
Irretrievably Broken 
I wrote a divorce blog previously, and I still get e-mails from people who are in limbo, wondering what they should do. It’s really sad. I’ve even had people who I know in real life reach out to me looking for some insight. I think you did a really good job of presenting the options. Either DO something to try to make things better, or get the hell out. Being miserable shouldn’t be an option.
I think you handled the Babble comment brilliantly.
Oh, thank you. I still can’t even find the blog myself most days. Weird website.
That was indeed a very sad comment. Being totally honest, though, whenever I read your blog I end up feeling confused. Especially when you’re describing frustrations with your ex. I feel like, I feel the same way about my husband! But I wouldn’t ever say we are in a loveless marriage, or seriously consider getting divorced (I do consider it sometimes, but when it gets down to brass tacks I always decide I’d rather be with him than without him). I’d just say we have our ups and downs, and sharing a life with someone isn’t easy. Then I read about your divorce, or I read the comments from other folks, and the marriages of people who decided they had to get out don’t sound that different from mine. So (naively?) I wonder what is the difference – more downs, fewer ups? Different standards? I guess we can’t quantify it, and so you probably can’t answer this question for me, I just wanted to respond with how I feel.
The frustrations with my ex were things that frustrated me when I was married to him, when I loved him. Marriage isn’t all skittles and beer. But when that fundamental something drops out of the bottom–you don’t know it until it happens, and you sound like you have a normal, happy marriage to me–the little frustrations become harder to put up with.
And they bug me now that we’re divorced because I guess I naively thought that once we were split up, I wouldn’t have to cope with all the petty things I disliked about him. But he’s still the same person he always was. As my mother said, “He acted this way when you were married–why would he suddenly reform his ways now that you’re divorced?” And she’s right.
You don’t get divorced b/c your husband is mildly annoying. Most husbands are mildly annoying. It’s not even a quantifiable thing, I don’t think–you’re right about that. There comes a day when you realize everything is different, somehow. And then you try so hard to figure out what it is. I get confused reading my blog, too, because even the entries from a year ago feel very different than the ones I write now!
Anyway, please don’t take this as a “ooh, get divorced, it’s great” blog, I don’t ever want anyone to think that. If your marriage works, even imperfectly, then you have what most people want. Don’t tamper with it if it isn’t broken…xxx
Thanks. I don’t take your blog as recommending divorce – you don’t have to worry about that! I guess I am just interested in reading it because there have been many times in my own marriage when I’ve wondered “how much sh*t is too much?” “what is left of the relationship we created?” But if I’m still wondering “how will I know?” I know the answer is to stay together. It sounds like what you’re saying is that, when it’s time, you know.
I have always said that the not-knowing is much worse than the actual moving forward with a divorce. The on-again/off-again is simply draining and it’s a horrific way to live. I lived that way for many years, and it was a relief to finally KNOW and move forward. @Deborah, I agree with IB…you will know when you are done. You can love someone very deeply and be annoyed by their habits and think you cannot live another day with them, all the while knowing deep down that you can and you will. Happily. For me, it was a complete lack of respect for my ex that made any kind of marriage with him simply impossible. I didn’t respect who he was on so many different levels, some because of who he was and his personality, but a lot because of the way he behaved inside the marriage, decisions he would/wouldn’t make, and the fact that he was not an equal partner in any way, shape or form. I think for everyone it’s different, but most people (who are not celebrities who have personal assistants and vast amounts of money to deal with their divorces) do not enter into divorce lightly. It’s painful, gut wrenching when you have children (and even when you do not), insanely expensive, and the details and paperwork will leave you feeling completely overwhelmed. And when the prospect of staying married to your spouse feels WORSE than dealing with all of the above, then you’ll know you’re ready. Which you probably are not, and you probably never will be and that is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
I wish there had been some way to make my marriage work, truly. I would never tell someone that divorce is a great option. It is brutal for everyone involved.
However. For me, I feel like I tried every single possible way I (and my therapist) could think of to make changes within the marriage to no avail. My husband had been telling me for years that I was the reason for his unhappiness, and because I knew that his unhappiness pre-dated me and was part of his “thing”, I chose to, basically, ignore that little revelation. And, you know, the marriage stumbled along, the kid was cared for, groceries were purchased and cooked, parties were attended… but it was as if we existed in parallel universes. I was angry and tense all the time. So when he asked for a separation, I RAN for the door.
A year and a half later, I am much happier, a single mom and all that, but I feel like a huge weight was lifted when I left. My ex and I are… not exactly friends, but friendly. He would love to get back together (what a shock) but I will never give up my independence for the same ol’ same ol’. My kid is fine. He was crushed by the split, but now spends much more time with his dad than he ever did before. They actually have a relationship! They talk!
So, if you can work it out, that’s wonderful. But if you can’t, you’ll know and it’s much better to leave before you hate each other.
To be honest i would like to say that i am the childhood person in a group of my family. i alway being childhood all the time. But being childhood is also have heart i alway get a bad thing. I alway look bad i’m sad sad can someone tell me to be the good person.