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Ten (I didn’t count, but a commenter said ten) signs your marriage might be tanking

May 24, 2011

I made a nifty bullet point list, over on Babble. Please go read, comment, et cetera.

Tomorrow I get my tonsils out. I am, frankly, terrified. The internet, with its many pictures of swollen, pus and scab covered, hideously raw and bloody post-surgical throats, is my sworn enemy. The picture (on Wikipedia, for crying out loud) of two little excised tonsils sitting in splotchy puddles on a nice blue piece of paper, made me gag and clutch my throat in preemptive agony. The many misspelled hints for a smooth recovery on various message boards made me lightheaded and nauseated. Is it really that bad? Can it possibly be as bad as everyone says?

At the very least I need a Sydney Carton-esque dramatic utterance as I approach the guillotine.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. May 24, 2011 4:57 pm

    Ack! That’s not easy as an adult, but I’m sure you will be fine. I hope your recovery goes smoothly. If you were nearby I’d make you a nice sorbet. (I can at least send you sorbet thoughts.)

  2. May 24, 2011 5:38 pm

    Love the babble post. You are a public service, my friend. Beautifully written as always. Good luck on your surgery – I know you will be OK.

    By the way, if you haven’t already read it, Olive Kittredge will make a fine recovery book.

  3. May 24, 2011 5:39 pm

    Also, East of Eden. Though you might save that for something longer to recover from. (608 pages!)

  4. Celeste permalink
    May 24, 2011 7:31 pm

    Very sorry for your upcoming surgery; I’ve heard it’s uncomfortable in the short term but worth it in the long run. Healing vibes to you.

  5. IsabelleAnne permalink
    May 24, 2011 8:49 pm

    Sending healing thoughts for a quick & easy recovery. May your doctors & nurses & helpers be competent & compassionate.

  6. Susan permalink
    May 24, 2011 10:40 pm

    As someone who had her tonsils out as an adult, I can tell you that it will hurt a lot, but only for a few days. The results are DEFINITELY worth it though. Very definitely worth it. Soft cool food is your friend. Much soft cool food is sweet as well, though. I thought I would kiss the friend who brought me her veggie juicer and big bags of apples and carrots. The body does crave vitamins after a while. Best of luck! You will be fine.

  7. May 25, 2011 12:00 am

    good luck with your surgery! may you recover quickly.

  8. soh permalink
    May 25, 2011 9:09 am

    Cream of Wheat cereal was my best friend the week after getting my tonsils out at age 30. Good luck!

  9. Jennifer permalink
    May 25, 2011 2:01 pm

    Yes it is that bad! Sorry. But it is worth in the long run.

  10. Anne permalink
    May 25, 2011 6:52 pm

    …may I ask a personal question? (Obviously you are free to ignore it). It has to do with the Babble post. You mentioned that, for a number of years during your marriage, your husband did the “eye roll” with almost everything you said. My question is: when he first started doing that, did you call him on it? If so, what did he say in response?

    • irretrievablybroken permalink*
      May 26, 2011 6:31 am

      I did. Many times. Hence, eventually, the article on the fridge. I didn’t quite want to admit how it galled and hurt me, and he didn’t want to admit he was doing it, or didn’t actually feel things were as bad as they were, or just assumed it would all come out in the wash. We did not fight very much. And he worked long hours, and the kids were usually around, so it was easy just to keep crossing off the days. And I never ever thought we’d split up, never, so there was this underlying feeling of ha ha, you’re hurting my feelings, ha ha! I’m fine with it, but isn’t it funny? Look at you, hurting my feelings! Ahhh, marriage. (Sorry, I’m not terribly eloquent. Point was, I was embarrassed to admit I was hurt.)

      I have ridiculous pride in NOT being the kind of girl who says things like, “You’re hurting my feelings!” I had (still have) my reputation staked on being very sure of myself and very tough.

      Of course, there were highs and lows and times we got along beautifully and other times I’d think “God, I really don’t like him, and how did it get to this point, and what on earth could make it okay?” And then it would be okay. Like most marriages I know, or think I know. And the eye-rolling just went for a while–until it became insignificant relative to other things, like my hot and heavy (and not entirely innocent at all) flirtation w/ another married guy whose wife, after a couple of weeks, read our emails and told my husband that she thought we were having an affair (which we were not, but we would have eventually) and my husband freaked out–as if I had already left him. That was two years before the separation. So the eye-rolling eventually paled in comparison to MY perfidy, you know?

      He was given to that kind of condescension–both by personality, and because he’d never been forced to behave politely if he didn’t feel like it–his mother, who is wonderful herself, was extremely laissez-faire about manners. (My upbringing, to use an old-fashioned word, was the polar opposite.) He also doesn’t care what most people think, so if he thinks someone is being an ass he’ll act as if he thinks so. Apparently he thought I was being an ass. Maybe I was. Who knows?

      ANYWAY. Neither he nor his chronic eyerolling is to blame for the divorce, I didn’t mean to imply that. I just meant that the relationship was strained long before it snapped.

      • Anne permalink
        May 26, 2011 2:40 pm

        Thanks for responding!

        I hope you don’t mind that my interest was mainly professional: I am, as I think I’ve mentioned before, a couple’s therapist, and what I have learned both from research reviews and personal anecdotes from my clients, is that “disrespect” in a relationship is almost always what begins the slippery slide down the slope to dissolution, and tends to be accompanied by a lack of apparent appreciation for the partner, and a tendency for the couple not to discuss and process conflicts when they do occur. Extra-relational affairs, as they are generally understood, are usually symptomatic of deeper, more long-standing negative patterns in a relationship. I guess I think of them as the straw that broke the camel’s back, in a way…

        I guess I’m posting this for others who are still in their marriages/committed relationships, and are having questions about how to improve them. John Gottman, who is probably the foremost researcher on couples, talks a lot about these issues on his website, (BTW, I am not in any way affiliated with him, except for sharing his profession), and gives some good suggestions.

  11. irretrievablybroken permalink*
    May 31, 2011 6:16 pm

    Yes, as I said on the Babble blog (I think, or somewhere)–my own mother told me you can stay married to someone you don’t love, but you can’t stay married to someone you don’t respect. (Which goes both ways–better not stay married to someone who doesn’t respect YOU, either.)

    But as you know, there are so many straws. Death by papercuts.

    If you don’t mind commenting on Babble someday with the Gottman link, I bet slightly more people would see it….I have proportionally more commenters on Babble (on the last post especially) who seemed to be still married but unhappy, or wavering, or whatever you will call it, than here. Perhaps they’d benefit from some positive examples as I worry sometimes that I am only a worst-case scenario….

    Thank you for your comments, by the way. And your questions, too. I’m always happy to try to clarify things I’ve said in posts….

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