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March Madness

March 16, 2012

In this, the season of college basketball tournaments, I found myself having lunch with a friend of mine yesterday (male, an artist by trade) who hadn’t the foggiest notion what I was talking about when I chirped happily about filling out my bracket. My boyfriend, who is a nonchalant fan of certain sports, indifferent to others, and rather passionate about a weird, esoteric few, agreed to participate in the bracket-filling out ritual this year for the first time, but his heart isn’t really in it. Yet.

The problem with sports is that you have to keep up. I was a baseball aficionado for many years; going to high school and college in New England, plus having parents who loved the Red Sox, made me loyal to that particular cursed team…until they actually won the World Series, not once but TWICE, and I lost interest. I used to watch college basketball all the time, too. Football has never done it for me (American football, that is; I like soccer, when I happen to run across it every four years at World Cup time) and I can’t get too excited about professional basketball. But college basketball is–there’s no other way to put this–fun, fun, fun. So I babbled on cheerfully to my bewildered artist friend, who couldn’t have cared less, and as a thank you gift for being so patient I decided to bestow upon him my brother-in-law’s all-purpose line for Those Who Aren’t Sure About Sports. It’s a magic charm to protect your dignity whenever someone says something about a player or a team or even a whole sport that you have no clue about, and you just want to satisfy whatever urge they have to share while not looking stupid and ensuring they stop talking sports as quickly as possible. It works for EVERYTHING. Here it is:  “I know! can you believe that shit?”

Example: “How about those Red Sox?”

(You have no idea what he means. Did they win? Did they lose? Was the franchise sold? No need to look like a moron, just say:  “I know! Can you believe that shit?”)

It works on specifics.  “Man, did you see Kobe Bryant last night?”

(See him do what? Score a touchdown? Hit a three-run double? Trip over his shoelaces? It matters not. “I know! Can you believe that shit?”)

“Damn, that Derek Jeter is such a motherfucking MONSTER.”
“I know! Can you believe that shit?”

You’re welcome.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. March 16, 2012 10:39 am

    that is fantastic. thank you!

  2. March 16, 2012 10:43 am

    That is just hilarious!

  3. March 16, 2012 11:55 am

    That’s awesome.

  4. marnie permalink
    March 16, 2012 12:36 pm

    Thank you. This is so much better than my old standard reply to sports enthusiasts, which goes along the lines of. . .”Team name? – that’s um, hockey, right?” (or baseball, or whatever it patently isn’t.

  5. March 16, 2012 1:09 pm

    See, I don’t even pretend. My stand partner in orchestra is a big sports fan and it blew her mind that I can’t name a single Packer. But I just don’t care! I think it’s fine if other people want to care, but I, personally, find it boring at one extreme and a little frightening on the other, so I will stay out of all of it and go read a book.

  6. Libby permalink
    March 16, 2012 1:59 pm

    I love this – thank you! I am not a sports fan, really, but there are a few events every year that I get excited about. The Tour de France, the Little League World Series, and the Big Dance – March Madness. Those college basketball players are a joy to watch – they get so excited, they cry when they lose, and only what, less than 5% of them will go to the NBA. And I especially love it when every year some college you’ve never heard of comes along and unseats some big gun. Brilliant all around.

    • irretrievablybroken permalink*
      March 16, 2012 2:43 pm

      I know! Can you believe that shit?

      Did you fill out a bracket? So far I’m beating both my kids, and my clueless boyfriend, so I’m pretty pleased with myself. I have a somewhat risky Final Four, however, and my champion pick is…well, let’s just cross our fingers and say no more, shall we?

      • Libby permalink
        March 16, 2012 4:48 pm

        I know, can you believe that shit? HA.

        I did fill out a bracket and so far I am beating my boyfriend too! However I picked Belmont as this year’s Cinderella story, so I may fall down soon. Oh well.

  7. irretrievablybroken permalink*
    March 17, 2012 6:25 pm

    I had Duke going to the championship. Shit.

  8. March 17, 2012 11:09 pm

    this is awesome!! thank you!!

  9. March 19, 2012 5:04 am

    You are a legend! My friends made me go watch rugby on saturday night – at a bar no less. Totally not my thing. Aparently they are not sport fans either (I thought i had missed something in the interim years that we have not been going out together) Anyway her advise was to radomly yell ‘were’s the support’ ill ad yours to our responses for the next match as we fly head first into winter sport season.

  10. Hawk permalink
    March 28, 2012 10:55 am

    Love that. Thank you. I’ve managed to get by so far by picking favorite teams (loved watching Cubs games in college – god, I had so much time back then; picked the Saints) but people will come up to me and say something to me about one of my “teams” – and I just have no clue what they’re referring to. That line will be my golden ticket.

    I did fill out a bracket because our whole office did. I NAILED the east/midwest teams. I had Marquette and Ohio State going all the way… so I’m crossing fingers for OSU now. 🙂

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