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Forgive me

April 23, 2013

for being absent. My grandmother, to whom I have always been very close, died last week. In March I went down to see her for what I was fairly certain would be the last time, and it was wonderful to see her but very hard to say goodbye. I had, in fact, just made a plane reservation to go down for a couple of stolen days last week–we knew the end was coming, and I wanted to see her one more time (I felt rather childishly desperate to do so)–when my mother called to say that she had died.

My grandmother’s unusual first name is also mine, and it is quite odd to be the only one left. I’ve never known another person with our name. I am wearing her father’s wedding ring, which was taken off her finger after her death. I am determined not to think about any of this. I can’t quite do it yet.

She died at home, in her bed, and it was (it seems) a death free from pain. She was ninety-four years old. Her night nurse, a lovely woman, was with her when she died.

I wish I had been, too.

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. April 23, 2013 9:06 pm

    Oh, I am so sorry. Sending warm thoughts. Sending virtual squeezes of hands. Hoping it’s not too hard to sleep this week.

  2. April 23, 2013 10:55 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you some tight hugs across cyberspace.

  3. April 23, 2013 11:40 pm

    I’m so sorry.

  4. jen permalink
    April 24, 2013 2:24 am

    I’m so sorry. I was surprised when my own grandmother died to find how hard even a “good” and unsurprising death at the end of a long life can be.

    • irretrievablybroken permalink*
      April 24, 2013 9:40 am

      Others have said that, too, which comforts me. It is much harder than I thought, and it’s not like I wasn’t prepared in some way (did I think she’d live forever? She was so old….) Thank you.

  5. April 24, 2013 3:39 am

    So sorry for your loss.

  6. April 24, 2013 5:43 am

    I’m so sorry.

  7. telechick permalink
    April 24, 2013 7:05 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. Virtual hugs from a complete stranger.

  8. April 24, 2013 10:16 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that your warm memories of your grandmother will comfort you as you celebrate her life and mourn her passing.

  9. SarahB permalink
    April 24, 2013 10:54 am

    Jen is right. Even after a good death, I’ve found that all the memories of the person over one’s whole lifetime with them flood back. After the concern for their health is gone, there’s so much more room to think about all the fond memories when the person was younger and healthier. It really knocked me over after my grandfather’s death at a similar age.

    • SarahB permalink
      April 24, 2013 10:55 am

      Hit enter too soon–I am so sorry for your loss and hope you have some space to let yourself mourn in the coming weeks and months.

  10. April 24, 2013 11:03 am

    I raced home a couple of times when my grandmother was weakening. The last time I missed her by a few hours. I’m glad you have her ring and that she went peacefully. So sorry for your loss.

  11. April 24, 2013 11:19 am

    I’m so sorry.

  12. Christa. permalink
    April 24, 2013 1:11 pm

    Grief is such a tribute and the price we pay for love. Hugs x

  13. sonyamc permalink
    April 30, 2013 3:46 am

    I am very sorry for your loss – my grandmother also died in the Spring and its a lovely time to remember her

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